2017 Bachelor Sportsbook

It’s that time of the year, folks…

Whether you’re a fan of the show, hate it, your girlfriend/wife watches it and makes you sit through the 2+ hour telecasts with her, and/or have to listen to the women in the office talk about it all day … you can’t deny that there is no avoiding the reach of this widely-popular, mindless reality TV black hole of despair.

What I find so fascinating about ‘The Bachelor’ series is how over-the-top protective women are about it. They don’t care how staged, fake, and/or soul-draining it is – every new episode is their ‘Super Bowl Sunday’, and if you so much as interrupt them during their consumption of the show … they will come at you like Gollum on the steps of Mount Doom.

For years, (most) guys have been forced to endure the show – without any rooting interest …

(…It’s the same thought-process of when you’re home for the holidays, and have nothing to do but watch a crappy bowl game. You don’t care whatsoever who wins Memphis vs. Western Kentucky in the Taco Bell Better Find a Toilet Bowl, but, if you have $ on the game – HOLD MY CALLS FOR THE NEXT THREE HOURS.)

Ladies & Gentlemen: The 2017 Bachelor SportsBook.

Here’s how this is going to work … you’re going to go find 10 of your buddies who you know are subject to watching ‘The Bachelor’, for whatever reason…

You’re then going to nominate someone with enough money to bankroll “The House” – so that winning bets can be paid off.

Everyone gets to spend 5 Units (you determine how much each unit is worth), and the minimum/maximum Unit size per bet = 1.

Without further ado, here are the contestants, their odds to be given “The Final Rose” by Nick Viall during his 177th attempt at finding love on this reality television franchise, and plenty of prop bets to keep you (or your man) engaged from the premiere to the finale.

(Analysis will include details of the contestants’ full profiles which can be found HERE)

Vanessa, 29, Montreal, Quebec (ODDS: +250)

Occupation: Special Education Teacher

bachelor1

Analysis: Dime, obviously great with and loves kids, within 10 years of Nick’s old ass age to warrant a ring, and actually has a real job unlike 95% of the people on this show. Might just be someone looking for love and not their shot at celebrity fame being the next Bachelorette/role on Bachelor in Paradise.


Corrine, 24, Miami, FL (ODDS: +300)

Occupation: Business Owner

bachelor2

Analysis: Forgive me if I’m judging a book by its cover but a 24-year-old “business owner” from Miami who has four months to spare to go on The Bachelor is throwing all sorts of “Bachelor Villain” red flags. Never has there been a bigger lock for “Because you’re the hottest girl here I am totally keeping you around so we can hook up then I’m dumping you after your ridiculously rich family grills the shit out of me during hometown dates and will pretend to be heartbroken as you walk to the limo after the rose ceremony but then I’ll be good by the time I get back to the to the three other girls I plan on banging in the fantasy suite”


Sarah, 26, Newport Beach, CA (ODDS: +400)

Occupation: Grade School Teacher

bachelor3

Analysis: Sarah = Kevin Durant. Vanessa = LeBron James. You’re a perennial superstar, girl, but as long as Vanessa is around you’re always going to be the greatest player of the generation to never win a championship.


Danielle L., 27, Los Angeles, CA (ODDS: +550)

Occupation: Small Business Owner

bachelor4

Analysis: Danielle if you’re reading this and didn’t win are you looking for a man in LA who can build pillow forts im single call me


Liz, 28, Las Vegas, NV (ODDS: +600)

Occupation: Doula

bachelor5

Analysis: Not gonna lie I had no clue what a ‘Doula’ was so I went to Google, typed it into the search bar, then clicked ‘images’. I should not have done that.


Rachel, 30, Dallas, TX (ODDS: +700)

Occupation: Attorney

bachelor6

Analysis: Says her biggest regret is that she’s “focused too much on her career” – babe, this man has weaseled his way through five years of reality television pretending to love girls please do yourself a favor and say no if he so much as drops to a knee to pick up a quarter off the ground.


Raven, 25, Hoxie, AR (ODDS: +850)

Occupation: Fashion Botique Owner

bachelor7

Analysis: If there’s anyone who fits the “small town Bachelor contestant who everyone loves because they’re so nice and innocent and unpopularly gets dumped late in the season only to find themselves on the next season of Bachelor in Paradise” – this is it.


Danielle M., 28, Nashville, TN (ODDS: +900)

Occupation: Neonatal Nurse

bachelor8

Analysis: Serious question: is there a city in America with more hotter chicks per square foot than Nashville?


Lauren, 30, Naples, FL (ODDS: +1000)

Occupation: Law School Graduate

bachelor9

Analysis: Gotta respect a girl who looks this good and says “I could live on a farm and off the land any day.” Too bad Nick is only interested in finding someone he can score another Bachelor spinoff show with.


Brittany, 26, Santa Monica, CA (ODDS: +1000)

Occupation: Travel Nurse

bachelor10

Analysis: No-one wants to say it, so, I will: chokers are the new lower back tattoo.


Kristina, 24, Lexington, KY (ODDS: +1200)

Occupation: Dentist

bachelor11

Analysis: Been through some serious shit as a kid, per her official ABC profile, and will likely be a long-term stay if/when she opens up about it.


Whitney, 25, Chanhassen, MN (ODDS: +1250)

Occupation: Pilates Instructor

bachelor12

Analysis: Says if she could be any animal she’d be an Eagle so she can “see life from a different perspective.” A.K.A. is definitely checking your texts while you’re in the shower.


Susannah, 26, San Diego, CA (ODDS: +1500)

Occupation: Account Manager

bachelor13

Analysis: Are you not allowed through the city limit gates of San Diego unless you are absurdly good-looking or something?


Alexis, 23, Secaucus, NJ (ODDS: +2000)

Occupation: Aspiring Dolphin Trainer

bachelor14

Analysis: ‘Aspiring Dolphin Trainer’ from the city that The Sopranos showed you during the opening credits to remind you how doo doo that part of New Jersey is. Sounds like a winner to me. In all seriousness ‘Aspiring Dolphin Trainer’ shouldn’t be too difficult to make a career out of – just move to Miami, carry around a first aid kit, and be good at telling people that their major, chronic injuries aren’t as bad as they look and they’ll totally be fine. Boom. Hired.


Angela, 26, Greenville, SC (ODDS: +2000)

Occupation: Model

bachelor15

Analysis: Thousands of Instagram followers to like your not-so-subtle selfie of you jumping in the ocean are incoming – mission accomplished.


Michelle, 24, Los Angeles, CA (ODDS: +2000)

Occupation: Food Truck Owner

bachelor16

Analysis: Way too normal and down-to-Earth for this degenerate show.


Christen, 25, Tulsa, OK (ODDS: +2200)

Occupation: Wedding Videographer

bachelor17

Analysis: She’s definitely hooked up with Chad.


Astrid, 26, Tampa, FL (ODDS: +2500)

Occupation: Plastic Surgery Office Manager

bachelor19

Analysis: What is the difference between a plastic surgery office manager and an office manager of another profession? Was that first part really necessary? Also, that The Office episode where Jan Levinson names her daughter Astrid had to be the worst day of your life – right?


Jaimi, 28, New Orleans, LA (ODDS: +2500)

Occupation: Chef

bachelor20

Analysis: The bad news is she’s not going to find love in Nick Vilall the good news is that she will 100% be on either Chopped or Top Chef in the near future.


Elizabeth, 24, Dallas, TX (ODDS: +3000)

Occupation: Marketing Manager

21

Analysis: 24-year-old Marketing manager from Dallas whose favorite movie is The Notebook seems like the type of girl who should be at home watching The Bachelor – not in it.


Hailey, 23, Vancouver, BC (ODDS: +3000)

Occupation: Photographer

22

Analysis: Sorry, Hailey, no chick with seven tattoos “all over her body” is ever winning a show watched predominantly by overly-conservative moms. Also, she has a butterfly phobia and that is straight up weird.


Jasmine B., 25, Tacoma, WA (ODDS: +4000)

Occupation: Flight Attendant

23

Analysis: The good news is that there can’t possibly be another woman on the show named Jasmine


Jasmine G., 29, San Francisco, CA (ODDS: +4000)

Occupation: Pro Basketball Dancer

25

Analysis: OH COME ON. At least we can’t get the two mixed up because there’s no way a pro basketball dancer will ever be from Seattle.


Briana, 28, Salt Lake City, UT (ODDS: +5000)

Occupation: Surgical Unit Nurse

26

Analysis: Just a reminder that every single chick from Utah that has been on The Bachelor has been batshit crazy. Lord, do they bring the heat though. Think of DeMarcus Cousins but in female, reality TV forms.


Dominique, 25, Los Angeles, CA (ODDS: +5000)

Occupation: Restaurant Server

27

Analysis: It’s ok you don’t need to be embarrassed you can say ‘aspiring actress’ – it’s what everyone else in LA does.


Lacey, 25, New York, NY (ODDS: +5000)

Occupation: Digital Marketing Manager

28

Analysis: Listen, if you’re favorite movie is Armageddon and you’re willing to admit that to a global audience I will never say anything about you ever go Lacey go


Taylor, 23, Seattle, WA (ODDS: +8000)

Occupation: Mental Health Counselor

29

Analysis: #MakeGirlsWearingHoopEarringsGreatAgain


Ida Marie, 23, Harlingen, TX (ODDS: +10000)

Occupation: Sales Manager

30

Analysis: Don’t even bother packing a bag. Enjoy the free hors d’oeuvres, wine, and meeting Chris Harrison, Ida Marie. This will all make for a funny story one day.


Josephine, 24, Santa Cruz, CA (ODDS: +10000)

Occupation: Registered Nurse

31

Analysis: I exercise my fifth amendment right and decline to provide analysis.


Olivia, 25, Anchorage, AK (ODDS: +10000)

Occupation: Apparel Sales Representative

32

Analysis: She tried out for her high school football team and won the job as the kicker somebody find her highlight mixtape ASAP


PROPS BETS!

Hair Color of the Winning Contestant:

BLONDE/DIRTY BLONDE (+190)

BRUNETTE/BLACK (-250)

—-

Total # of Roses Josephine Receives:

OVER 0.5 (+400)

UNDER 0.5 (-600)

—-

Does Corrine make it to the ‘Hometown Dates’ episode?

YES (-300)

NO (+240)

—-

Will a contestant leave and/or be sent home before the first Rose Ceremony?

YES (+300)

NO (-420)

—-

Who will receive more total roses?

Corinne (-110)

Vanessa (-110)

—-

Who will receive more total roses?

Reegan (-150)

Kimberly (+130)

—-

Who will receive more total roses?

Jasmine B. (-110)

Jasmine G. (-110)

—-

Who will receive more total roses?

Becca (+120)

Jillian (-150)

—-

Who will receive more total roses?

Kristina (-110)

Lauren (-110)

—-

Total # of Roses that Olivia Receives:

OVER 0.5 (+500)

UNDER 0.5 (-800)

—-

Will there be a physical altercation that requires paramedics to arrive on-set:

YES (+250)

NO (-310)

—-

Total number of times “I’m here to find my husband” is said by ALL contestants during the Season Premiere?

OVER 3 (-110)

UNDER 3 (-110)

—-

How many separate times will they show Nick with his shirt off, during the Season Premiere?

OVER 1.5 (-140)

UNDER 1.5 (+120)

—-

Word that will be said more by ALL contestants (including Nick) during the Season Premiere?

HOT (-130)

CUTE (+110)

—-

Will a girl walk off-the-show on her own?

YES (+300)

NO (-420)

Will “I can see my wife in this room” be said by Nick, during the Season Premiere?

YES (-150)

NO (+120)

—-

Will a girl kiss Nick on the lips, after getting out of the limo, during the Season Premiere?

YES (+300)

NO (-400)

—-

Which phrase will be said more times throughout the entire course of the season?

“RIGHT REASONS” (-110)

“WRONG REASONS” (-110)

—-

Will there be confirmed sexual intercourse (admitted by both parties) between Nick and a contestant at least once this season?

YES (+800)

NO (-1200)

—-

Will Vanessa make the Final 3?

YES (-200)

NO (+160)

—-

Will Vanessa, Corrine, Sarah, Danielle L., OR, Rachel win the “First Impression” Rose, during the season premiere?

YES (-130)

NO (+110)

—-

What Continent will the Final Rose Ceremony take place on?

ASIA (EVEN)

EUROPE (+150)

NORTH AMERICA/SOUTH AMERICA (+300)

OTHER (+1000)

—-

Will Nick cancel at least one cocktail party this season?

YES (-200)

NO (+170)

—-

Will Corinne receive the first one-on-one date invitation?

YES (+700)

NO (-1000)

—-

Episode # that a girl admits to Nick that she is “falling in love” with him?

OVER 5 (-150)

UNDER 5 (+130)

—-

Will a contestant DECLINE the fantasy suite invitation?

YES (+500)

NO (-800)

—-

Will Nick propose to the winning contestant, during the Final Rose Ceremony?

YES (-600)

NO (+450)

—-

If there is a proposal during the Final Rose Ceremony, will the contestant say YES?

YES (-1200)

NO (+800)

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